Baby #6 in heaven with Simon and Thomas

Me, showing up during this miscarriage May 2, 2020 

Last week I miscarried our sixth baby.  I was so happy to finally see a positive pregnancy test after trying to grow our family for quite a while.  I was five weeks along and I refuse to call it an early miscarriage.  I have noticed through leading You Made Me Mom support group that labeling a loss as early the loss feels less significant - it also begins to compare - one thing you should never do when you are walking through grief.

The pain physically was very manageable for my body and I am thankful for that.  Thomas' miscarriage was more challenging for my body.  My heart, however, is a different story - my heart is just so broken.  My heart and thoughts moved into anger pretty quickly, but that didn't last long because anger doesn't fit me well.  So I tried on gratitude and that fit me better.  I took off my leggings and sloppy hair and put on a dress and make up for three days in row.  I made a decision that I was going to honor this little soul's body by simply recognizing this is my final service to this child, final mothering.  Jesus was weeping with me as I miscarried.  The Lord didn't want it this way either.  I wasn't alone.

This heart shift helped immensely as I worked through the miscarriage.  I told myself - the loss isn't happening to you, it's happening through you. I was chosen to mother this tiny soul.  The miscarriage was going to happen anyway so finding the sacred holy moments and having a willing heart to do this work was really important to me.

I shared that I was miscarrying with my family and friends and I am so thankful I did because it created an army of loved ones covering us in prayer.  It reminded me of the initial trisomy 13 diagnosis with Simon in January 2014.  I could feel others lifting us up, the burden less, the pain shared, and not being alone in this sadness.  So if you are one of those people who have prayed for us now and over the many years of growing our family, thank you, you have made a difference in our lives.

This is the first time I have experienced pregnancy loss since founding You Made Me Mom.  What a gift it was to share with these sweet women what was happening.  What a difference it made to have other moms who have experienced child loss praying for me and sitting with me, virtually.  What a treasure the You Made Me Mom ministry is to each of us.  Thank you, Lord, for trusting me with this organization.

I have three babies in my arms and three in heaven - I am truly blessed.  I can effortlessly think back to wondering if Teddy would be our only living child.  Grateful to the Lord for growing our family.  Grateful for each child. Perhaps we will give this baby a name someday, rather than "the one I miscarried."  Right now, I focus on the children in front of me and am reminded not to take their beating hearts for granted.  We will be ok.  All the Glory to God.

Bedtime stories with Peter, Teddy and Goldie.  

Family photo from Easter
 Thankful for my husband and kids before me - thankful for the three souls who reign in Glory.