Showing posts from November, 2014

It wasn't supposed to be this way

So what do I say now?  What do I write? The hope of a new baby in our lives has been crushed.  Yesterday, amidst signs that there were some irregularities happening with Amy's pregnancy, we set an ultrasound appointment.  The signs of trouble came on quickly after the 6-month anniversary of Simon's birth.  The baby likely went on to meet Simon about a week ago.   I write today on the 6-month anniversary of Simon's death. As soon as the grainy black-and-white image of the baby came on the screen, I knew.  Our baby's lifeless body was scrunched up and motionless - unlike Teddy and Simon who were always playfully moving each time we got a glimpse of them in the womb.  Amy cried out in agony from the doctor's table.  Pain was unleashed from the deep.  Teddy was with us in the ultrasound room, and he looked at me with a concerned but sweet and playful look.  His confused eye contact with me was something like I hadn't seen out of him before.  He was somehow g

A Legacy | Simon's Sixth Month Birthday

My first public letter to Simon. Dearest Simon, This evening marks six months since daddy and I met you face-to-face.  I can't believe it's been a half year since we met you - I think it feels so fresh for a few reasons.  One is because I will never forget the sound of your cry and the way the weight of your little body felt in my arms.  Another reason is because our good friends took video and pictures of your birth and I view those often.  Simon, so many people have watched your entrance into the world.  The moment was holy, a moment only God can create.  We all waited eagerly to hear your first cries.  After several minutes we heard your strong voice and it was magic.  I was so proud of you.  I think anyone who watched your birth has the image forever in their mind and heart.  You made a lasting impression sweet boy. If your big brother could write, he would want you to know that he brings your name up often.  Your ashes are in a pretty little woo


I haven’t written in over two months.   I’ve wanted to write over the past two months, but my heart and thoughts have been so all over the place that I couldn’t land on one subject.    I would think about writing about one thing, and then within a few hours my previous feeling had vanished and I was feeling another way.  My current thoughts can be a bit scattered.   I am learning this is how grief works – at least for me.   This past month is always a really special month in our home.   October 10 th  marked our fifth anniversary.    I am overwhelmed by the strength of our marriage – thanks be to God for this.    I am thankful for Adam’s love and leadership and love seeing how our lives together are unfolding through God’s big plan.    God takes it all and makes it beautiful, even when the unthinkable happens.    October 15 th  was Teddy’s 2 nd  birthday.    Teddy fills our home with lots of yelling, giggles, new words, and “nos.”   Teddy helps make our house feel like a home.