Showing posts from September, 2015

Is this your second baby?

"Is this your second?"  I hear that question from strangers often.  Each time, I think to myself…how much time do I want to invest explaining this?  Often times I tell our story quickly answering this is our fourth. I always receive a surprised look.  When they ask gender and ages of my other children, I go ahead and share with them the quick full story.  People respond graciously and I have received many hugs from random checkers, waiters, and store associates.  I tell strangers our story for three reasons – One, because they keep asking questions!  Two, because I have faith that our story might help spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and open discussion so it doesn’t seem like such a taboo topic.  In addition, I like to talk about Simon and Thomas – even though it might make me tear up.  And three, because I get to share our hope that we will see our sons again, fully restored, in Heaven. This week at library story time, a stranger rando

With a full heart

I feel the cool forehead of my son on my lips tonight.  He's gone, but I remember the temperature of the skin above his brow.  He would wrinkle his forehead as if to acknowledge that he recognized my kiss. We are at 36 + 4 days with our fourth child (on the way).  I suppose Amy and I both are feeling nostalgic longings for Simon right now.  To see him, to hold him.  Valiant and flawed warrior.  Brave until the end. "Lone Survivor" is on HBO in the hotel room where I sit alone tonight and the dialogue between two of the wounded soldiers I just heard resonates hard with me.  I'll paraphrase it and revise it as if it is a message from Simon.  "If I die, tell mom I love her.  Tell her I died for my brothers.  Tell her I died with a full heart." There is no progress on this journey, only fading memories.  Yet the fuzzy memories stay laced with enough pain to last a lifetime. God has been so faithful and so protective of us.  His steadfast love endures

35 weeks + 4 days with baby #4

A note I left in our preemie-3 month old clothing box. We are taking one of Simon's preemie outfits to the hospital just in case baby #4 is a peanut! I breathe in and out and my eyes fill with tears as I reflect and compare this pregnancy to Simon’s.   I can’t help but compare.  Pregnancy after loss (PAL) or pregnancy after loss plus another loss, in our case, is a tough journey – but one I am thankful to be on.  I seem to slightly hold my breath as I hit each milestone.  I think to myself, we’ve made it past the 13-15 scary weeks of when we lost Thomas.  Then I think, this new baby’s life has already doubled the time we had with Thomas.  His life was short, but without it I truly believe the support group, You Made Me Mom , wouldn’t have come to fruition.  We hit the milestone of 24 weeks where our "new" baby had a fairly good chance of surviving outside of the womb.  And then 34 weeks where baby had an extremely high chance of making it should he or she be b