It wasn't supposed to be this way
So what do I say now? What do I write?
The hope of a new baby in our lives has been crushed. Yesterday, amidst signs that there were some irregularities happening with Amy's pregnancy, we set an ultrasound appointment. The signs of trouble came on quickly after the 6-month anniversary of Simon's birth. The baby likely went on to meet Simon about a week ago. I write today on the 6-month anniversary of Simon's death.
As soon as the grainy black-and-white image of the baby came on the screen, I knew. Our baby's lifeless body was scrunched up and motionless - unlike Teddy and Simon who were always playfully moving each time we got a glimpse of them in the womb. Amy cried out in agony from the doctor's table. Pain was unleashed from the deep. Teddy was with us in the ultrasound room, and he looked at me with a concerned but sweet and playful look. His confused eye contact with me was something like I hadn't seen out of him before. He was somehow giving me peace as he stared at me and said, "Mommy sad." With wet faces and broken hearts we left the doctor's office through the back door and decided to take the stairs. I picked up Teddy and said, "I'd carry you both if I could."
Anger filled my heart and rage was on my face as I drove home alone, staring though foggy eyes. "Father? Can you not take away this cup? Must the cup be filled with pain? Can I trade cups? I don't want this anymore. This isn't right. This isn't the way it's supposed to be." We've been ripped out of the driver's seat and thrown into the ditch once again. The earth wins again. Brokenness reigns supreme. How much further can we be broken until we are but dust?
We made phone calls to loved ones about another dead baby yesterday. This is different then Simon, sure. Simon gave us all hope. Simon fought. Simon was a beautiful, sinless soul that delivered a message of grace to all of us without ever speaking.
We're still reeling in the wake of Simon's death, and now we feel death upon death.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way," to quote our dear friend Kylie Brewer. She wrote in her blog about her brother Ryan, about a year before his death, "The world wasn't supposed to be so broken. But it is. And so our best-case scenario is still dreadful. There will be no complete satisfaction or complete joy this side of heaven. Just foretastes until Jesus comes back. Or we go to Him."
When will the One who brings hope come back? How long until things are made right? We stay steadfast in our faith in Jesus Christ. But enough already. Enough suffering - not just for our sake, but for the sake of the addicts, the marginalized, the mentally ill, the poor, the diseased, the barren, the fakers and the liars, the lonely and the confused wanderers. Bring restoration, Father! Please rescue and deliver us.