BALENTINE MEMOIRS

This video is a slideshow of actual quotes we have received from you, our friends and our family.  This slideshow was played during Simon's Celebration of Life as John Brewer and the worship band played "Below My Feet" live.   These are your words (quotes from Simon's friends) from Adam and Amy Balentine on Vimeo . Over the last 10 months, we have been the recipients of some amazing words from family, friends and complete strangers.  You have been vulnerable.  You have decided to shed a piece of your old self and become something new.  You have opened yourself up to feel our pain, but also our hope and our joy.  Expressing this to us - taking the time to write or speak the words you have expressed - lifts up some of the weight of depression, death and emptiness we've felt (and continue to feel).   We've been equipped to support and build up the body of followers of Christ.  We've been given the same words - the same education as the ...

The below is a tribute video that was played at Simon's Celebration of Life Service on June 14, 2014.  Tribute to Simon Adam Balentine from Adam and Amy Balentine on Vimeo . Link to Simon's Tribute Video I spent countless hours creating this video.  The most difficult aspect in creating something so important to you - something in which you are very emotionally invested - is the editing process.  I could have easily made this video 90 minutes long.  I reminded myself of my mantra when I write, that you have to be a ruthless editor.  This means that several touching video clips and breath-taking photos were left out of the tribute video.  Although Simon lived for 7 days and 22 minutes, we probably have 5 days worth of still photos and video footage! If you knew your loved one would die very soon, but you aren't sure when, what lengths would you go to take that one last picture with them?  Would you wish you would have turned the car a...

Today happens to be Father's Day, so it seems like a good occasion to post a transcript of the speech that I gave for Simon at his celebration of life just yesterday.  I am so proud to be the father of Theodore Boyd and Simon Adam.  What amazing work Simon was able to do for God.  I pray Teddy will be a great man of God one day as well.  The below is a long-form of my speech - including a few extra lines that I cut out once I delivered it during Simon's ceremony.  I hope these words honor my sons, but also my father, my grandfathers and my Heavenly Father. --- Standing and speaking in front of you all today may have been scary for me prior to Simon.  A sense of boldness now intertwines itself to my core.  I’m thankful for that. Amy also stands boldly on the truth of God’s grace and mercy.  Her love has changed from something I selfishly consumed when it pleased me, to something that sustains me and keeps me safe.  I’m thankful for tha...

Our family is one that laughs at itself.  I laugh at myself.  I laugh at my family members…and hopefully they are laughing  with  me most of the time.  www.AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com  is one of my favorite websites.  People submit horribly awkward and hilarious images of their families in bad poses and heinous clothes.  “It seemed like a good idea at the time, but WHOA…what were we thinking?!” This is the underlying theme of most of the photos that are published on the site. Well, about two years ago I emailed a submission to AFP of an awesomely awkward professional family photo we took in the early-to-mid 90s.  On June 1, 2014, I received an email notification that my submission had been published on the site.  I was thrilled.  I totally forgot that I submitted it.  I can’t take credit for the title “White Out” that AWP gave the photo, but I can take credit for the description.  I love that the AFP appropriately n...

We have read the loving words of so many people who have expressed that they grieve and lament the loss of our son with us.  We are so grateful for your words.  While sweet words do provide comfort, they also keep the grief fresh.  But the grief may never leave, anyway, so that’s OK.  We will lament the loss of Simon for the rest of our lives on earth.  In Nicholas Wolterstorff’s book, “Lament For A Son,” he says about his son Eric who died, “If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.  Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved.  That worth abides.” One word that comes up quite often in peoples’ messages to us is “inspiration.”  The general theme is that we, or our story, has been inspirational.  There is a lot of power in that word.  But the power of inspiration is only manifested if you are inspired to do something.  You can’t be “inspired” to stay the same.  You can’t be inspired to go back to ya...

7 days and 22 minutes.  That’s not enough time!  But wasn’t it?  How much did Simon accomplish in just 7 days and 22 minutes?  How many lives were touched?  How much joy did he bring to faces?  How much hope swelled in hearts of those who were feeling hopeless?  How many tears were shed in both joy and in grief? We make so many excuses for ourselves with the lack of time we have.  More than I care to admit, I shirk certain responsibilities as a husband, a father and an employee because, “I’m too busy,” or, “I ran out of time.”  If days were able to be stretched to 27 hours long instead of 24, I’m certain I’d have the same excuses as to why I didn’t get things done... despite the fact that I was just given exactly what I complained about not having enough of: more time! We speak of time like it is a God.  Time dictates when we get up in the morning, how long we have to exercise, when we make dinner reservations, if we read that book...

Today will be a sad day, and many more difficult days will follow.  Last night, at 10:17 PM, Amy and I embraced one another, and Simon, as he left this world and was welcomed into Jesus' arms.  The experience of ushering Simon into Paradise was holy and beautiful.  An amazing song shuffled into our playlist as we watched Simon depart from us: " Tribute/ Agnus Dei ."  I now hear a collective groan as we all morn the loss of an amazing, gorgeous and powerful life here on earth.  And the Holy Spirit groans on our behalf. "...The Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." (Romans 8:26)  As I write this, rain falls here in Kansas City, appropriately, as so many tears will fall from our faces today. Simon's story is one of victory.  He beat the odds of his diagnosis and held on for exactly 7 days.  He gave us joy and he filled o...

I'm thankful for Simon's hair, which is an exact replica of his Dad's. I believe this is yet another glimpse we gain into God the Father's love for us as His Word tells us we are all image bearers of Him. There is a magneticism that draws fathers to their children when they can see themselves in them. It creates an intense desire to protect and provide for this tiny image bearer.  I'm thankful God loves us more intensely than that. I'm thankful Amy doesn't pretend that this isn't hard. The hardest part is knowing we have to give him back. What makes you hold on to every rise-and-fall of Simon's little chest is not knowing when it will stop. I'm thankful for how loving she is, and that her love for me doesn't diminish or become overshadowed in the midst of a trial. I'm thankful for our parents, Simon and Teddy's grandparents, whose spirits have gotten sweeter - like a grape ripening on the vine - right before our eyes. They are footh...

May 17th and all is well. Here are a few photos from yesterday,  last night and this morning. Click on the images to see the full size photos.

We had an amazing time with our boy last night!  Like his parents, he prefers a steady routine.  When we get close to the three-hour mark in-between feedings, he notifies us with the most beautiful whimper that he's hungry.  God's providence is being revealed constantly. It just so happened that we had some of Amy's breast milk left over from Teddy that we are feeding to Simon through his feeding tube.  After eating, he sleeps sweetly and comfortably in our arms. We had a couple of brief scares this morning - as Simon appeared to be lacking oxygen after apnea episodes - but he bounced back quickly both times.  We have an oxygen tank that we can turn on and shoot air his direction.  Color flooded back in his face both times, although we were telling God that Simon was already His.  He can embrace Him in paradise whenever He's ready. We take no credit for Simon making it this far.  This is all a gift - the result of the steadfast love of our S...

We are overjoyed.  Our Simon has beaten the odds, or said in a different way, God has answered so many of our prayers.  Simon has amazed us with his strength and sweetness. He is the perfect creation of a perfect creator. We are exhausted, but so very content.  More updates will follow. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Our sweet boy, Simon, was born on May 14,  2014 at 9:55 PM. He is 4 lbs and 15 oz. and 17 inches long. His voice is strong and his hair is red like his daddy and his big brother. God answered our prayers in so many ways. We are so in love with our little guy. Amy was amazing during delivery.  Simon came fast - we checked in the hospital at 9:00 and he was born less than an hour later. More updates to come.

“I’m so glad you guys have a strong faith.” “You can lean on your faith to get you through this.” These, and similar variations of the same phrases, have been spoken to both me and Amy since we learned of Simon.  People recognize our faith in Christ and see that we are drawing nearer to Him during this difficult time.  But what it seems like, is that many people have faith in (our) faith.  They see an abiding hope in us, and this brings them comfort. My faith in Christ is not a crutch to help my limping, wounded heart get down this path of suffering.  A crutch would suggest that I only need such support because I’m hurt.  And if the hurt was gone then, well, what would the crutch be but an unattractive accessory doing nothing but slowing me down.  C.S. Lewis describes it better in The Problem of Pain, “We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.”  Similarly, Jesus isn't ...

We visited our OB, Dr. Carter, today and had what will be the final sonogram during Simon's pregnancy.  Everything is checking out "normal."  He is measuring about two weeks behind, which is no big deal.  The doctor estimates that he is close to five pounds.  His heart rate is right where it should be.  The end of this week will mark 36 weeks - which means Simon is full term.  He continues to kick and groove in Amy's belly.  There really aren't any indications that he will come early, but that's certainly not something we want to control. We are so grateful for the continued prayers.  We remain joyful, but some days are tougher than others.  Thanks for listening to our laments and our thoughts as we hold tight to each beat of Simon's heart.  We're very excited to meet our boy, but also anxious...as we know the next phase of this journey will take us into some dark places. ~Adam

Teddy is 18-months old, and his vocabulary is growing daily.  Most of the things he says aren’t distinguishable by anyone but Amy and me.  Nevertheless, he’s turning into decent little communicator.  I especially enjoy the needless communication - like Teddy’s play-by-play of his ordinary daily activities.  Rarely does Teddy stand up from sitting or laying on the ground without proclaiming loudly, “upf!”  Going up stairs, getting into his high chair, or being picked up by a taller person all receive the same explanation of, “UPF!”  To keep it consistent, Teddy makes sure to announce, “down!” with the same enthusiasm when doing the opposite sort of activity.  Perhaps the best of all narratives is when Teddy lets you know he bumped his head on something.  He could be walking by a piece of furniture and bump his head lightly when seconds later he proclaims, “BONK!” A few of the newer words are “choo choo, please, hat, pee pee, shoes, tree, gra...

Simon is constantly teaching us lessons.  What recent lesson sticks out the most? Adam's answer: Trying to nail this down to one lesson is really hard.  I have my eyes opened to new realities every day.   Simon’s life is such a precious gift and I'm overjoyed to be his dad.  But his unknown future causes suffering and pain.  What comes to mind right now is the lesson to embrace the emotion of the moment. Most men have a natural desire to fight, fix or run in the face of an impending threat or preeminent pain.  I can’t fix or fight Simon’s diagnosis, so what I’m left with is a decision between facing/embracing the pain, or completely avoiding it.  I’ve certainly responded both ways over the course of the last couple of months since we’ve been on this journey.  I know what the right course of action is though, because the Spirit pulls me that way.  The right thing to do is be present, face it, and work through the emotion and sorrow ...

The greater the hope, the greater the fear.   Things of this world aren’t always capable of being faithful.  Worldly things never fail to disappoint when our expectations are too high.  These things (or people) that we entrust with our hope almost always end up wounding our hearts to some (sometimes minor) degree. Even well-intentioned words spoken by a loved one can wound if they are delivered at the wrong time.  Putting hope in something that can't deliver makes us  anxious  and cynical.  Knowing  that an outcome may bring us pain makes us fearful. We have intense longings and pure-hearted hope for Simon.  We want him to breathe breaths on this earth.  How simple, yet how intense is this hope that Amy and I share for our boy.  Out of this simple and honest desire sprouts fear.  The fear is fertilized by the unknown.  If Simon lives - if we are able to bring him home - we will be faced with decisions that are more me...