Wednesday, May 28, 2014
One week without Simon
It has been one week since we said goodbye to our sweet Simon. He’s been gone almost as long as he was breathing on earth. However, Adam and I met Simon in October. His life was much longer than a week. We actually got to spend exactly 250 days with Simon (8 months and 8 days).
Adam’s parents own a cabin in the Ozark area and we are thankful that we have this location to escape to and reflect on life, Simon’s life and how life will be as we continue to take it one step at a time. While at the cabin, we have been compiling photos and videos of Simon for his memorial. It’s wonderful to look at image after image of our little boy. I have uttered the phrase, “he’s so cute!” about a million times. I said that a lot when he was in my arms too. Modern technology is a real blessing – what did we do before the iPhone?! We have thousands of photos of Simon and many videos as well that will forever help us keep his memory fresh in our minds. Although, I will never forget his cry, his cooing noises, his smell, his breath, his soft and perfectly new skin, his eyes, his hands with 12 fingers, his feet with 11 toes, his cute tiny little booty, his wrinkly knees, his skinny ankles and wrists, how he was able to suck on my pinky finger and his shoulders that would’ve been as broad as his daddy’s shoulders one day. I will never forget how tight he held onto Adam and my fingers as he descended into Heaven. These things are forever a part of me now.
Teddy asks about “Be” when he sees a photo or hears his voice on a video. He too will never forget his brother. We are making Teddy a special photobook of Simon and our family to help him remember Simon as well. Since we don’t have Teddy’s photobook made yet, we gave him a single photo of Simon and it brings a smile to my face seeing Teddy look at it and lay it down by his toys while he plays. It feels really nice to have photos of Simon around our house.
There are many things that I seem to struggle with – one thing that keeps pressing on my heart is that fact that I just had a baby but yet I struggle to share this information with a stranger. Normally, your baby would be with you and strangers would ask how old the baby is and make comments about your lack of sleep. But, my baby is in heaven, so these questions are obviously not being asked. We went to Steak and Shake the other day and the manager stopped by our table to ask how our meal was, we said good, and then he proceeded to tell us he just had a little baby boy last Wednesday, the day Simon passed. He was such a proud daddy – beaming, as he should be. I congratulated him and Adam encouraged him to enjoy his new baby boy. Tears started to fill my eyes and I so badly wanted to tell him about our little boy we had a week before but I was unsure how to share this. I wish I would’ve grabbed my phone and told him about our little boy – moving forward I will definitely do this when in a situation like this. I was so sad that I missed this opportunity to talk about Simon. Please pray for us as we continue to wrestle with grieving, missing our little boy and how to share him with others.
Oh how badly I wish Simon was with us, in our arms, at the cabin, continuing life on earth with us. But I knew what God was asking Simon and us to do from the start. The three of us agreed to His plan. In truth, it was Simon and his body, his life that went through the greatest hardship. My desire to want it a different way would mean that God wouldn’t give me Simon as my baby. I am so thankful God chose us to be Simon’s parents. Simon was a great gift. A perfect gift. A tiny messenger sent to teach many of us about Christ and what is truly important in this life.