A blog about the life of the Balentine family: Adam, Amy, Teddy, Simon, Thomas, Peter and Goldie

Friday, November 7, 2014

Overwhelmed

I haven’t written in over two months.  I’ve wanted to write over the past two months, but my heart and thoughts have been so all over the place that I couldn’t land on one subject.  I would think about writing about one thing, and then within a few hours my previous feeling had vanished and I was feeling another way.  My current thoughts can be a bit scattered.  I am learning this is how grief works – at least for me. 

This past month is always a really special month in our home.  October 10th marked our fifth anniversary.  I am overwhelmed by the strength of our marriage – thanks be to God for this.  I am thankful for Adam’s love and leadership and love seeing how our lives together are unfolding through God’s big plan.  God takes it all and makes it beautiful, even when the unthinkable happens.  October 15th was Teddy’s 2nd birthday.  Teddy fills our home with lots of yelling, giggles, new words, and “nos.” Teddy helps make our house feel like a home.  Last year, Teddy shared his first birthday with the announcement of a new sibling.  Moving forward, in some small way, Teddy will be sharing his birthday with Simon every year because October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I hope he grows to love celebrating and remembering his little brother on his birthday as much as I do already.  I see God’s craftsmanship in all of this and am overwhelmed by His perfection. 

This year at Teddy’s birthday party, we shared with our family another exciting blessing.  We are hopeful to meet Baby Balentine #3 come late May 2015.  On my birthday, another October celebration (22nd), Adam and I heard the heartbeat of our sweet third baby for the first time.  It was truly the most beautiful birthday gift.  A new life!!!  I was terribly anxious going into the doctor’s office and sonogram room.  I called on God over and over again asking Him to comfort me while at the same time promising to praise Him whatever the outcome in the doctor’s office.  I was really scared there wouldn’t be a heartbeat. We have never suffered a miscarriage, but my mind just kept reminding me of the "what ifs" and worst possible scenarios.  Apparently this is pretty normal for those who are walking the pregnancy-after-loss journey.  After we heard the heartbeat, we were so overwhelmed by God’s goodness that we completely forgot to confirm both the due date and how many weeks along I was!  That said, my due date should be somewhere between May 22 to May 29 - which makes us about 11-12 weeks along in this pregnancy.  Simon died on May 21, 2014 late into the evening.  So honestly May 21 is a pretty beautiful day in my mind.  May 22 was the first morning we woke up without a living and breathing Simon.  The thought of having these last few days of May be our third baby's birth date overwhelms me.  God’s timing is perfect, again.  I just keep thinking, why me?  Why this precious gift and hope You give to us?  I know many who struggle with fertility – why are You giving us the hope of this baby so easily and quickly?  And then God firmly says, “I AM.” 

We were reassured by doctors while I carried Simon that Full Trisomy 13 is not genetic.  The chance of Full Trisomy 13 happening to any baby is a random mix up at conception and is extremely rare.  Well, we know "rare" really well.  We fully understand how fragile this life is, and we are thankful for the lessons that gave us this understanding.  Simon was extremely rare and special.  He was a little tiny life who taught us exactly how sacred life is in the short time he was with us. 

We haven’t been afraid to ask God the things that press on our heart.  Immediately after Simon died, I asked Adam if he thought it was ok to pray for God to never give us that walk again.  He said he had already been asking God the same thing.  I never again want to give our lifeless baby's body over to a stranger.  I am asking God for a full term healthy baby come the end of May 2015. 

The popular newer song, Overwhelmed, by Big Daddy Weave keeps playing through my head when I pray for this new life inside of me.  I am overwhelmed by God’s perfection.  Here are the lyrics and link:

Big Daddy Weave

I see the work of Your Hands
 Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God
 All that You are is so overwhelming

 I hear the sound of Your Voice
 All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise oh God
 All that You are is so overwhelming

 I delight myself in You
 Captivated by Your beauty
 I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

 God, I run into Your arms
 Unashamed because of mercy
 I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

 I know the power of Your Cross
 Forgiven and free forever You’ll be my God

 All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
 I delight myself in You
 In the Glory of Your Presence
 I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

 God, I run into Your arms
 Unashamed because of mercy
 I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

 You are Beautiful, You are Beautiful
 Oh God, there is no one more Beautiful
 You are Beautiful, God you are the most Beautiful

 You are Wonderful, You are Wonderful
 Oh God, there is no one more Wonderful
 You are Wonderful, God You are the most Wonderful

 You are Glorious, You are Glorious
 Oh God, there is no one more Glorious
 You are Glorious, God you are the most Glorious


My prayer:  Prince of Peace, We praise you for this miracle you have created inside a secret place. We come to you asking for your omnipotent hand to protect our minds from anxiety and fear.  Each time fear creeps in, please wash it away with your living peace, scripture and promises.  Lord, we know you know our baby far better than we do.  All of our baby’s days were written in your book before one of them came to be in my womb. We trust in your plan for this baby’s life – no matter how long or how short it may be.  Please continue to knit this baby - knit, knit, knit!  Allow us to cling to you with every fiber of our being knowing you are the One True God who is the Giver of Life.  Thank you for giving us the strength to grieve for Simon but also feel joy with this new life.  Fill my heart in the quiet hours of the night – the time where I often mourn Simon while also pray new prayers over this new life.  Keep my eyes fixed on you, placing you first in all things – do not allow anything, including my husband, my babies, and growing family to become an idol.  And please, give Simon one big squeeze and kiss for us.  We sure miss him. 

Keeping in tradition, I made a little video - a clip of me telling Adam we were expecting, a clip of Adam telling our family we are pregnant and finally a video from yesterday morning of Teddy holding his bear like a baby (just like he held Simon) singing the New Baby song (enjoy our singing!).  I was trying to be inconspicuous while videoing the first two so the the quality of the footage isn't great.  

Thank you for your continued prayers.  




















Baby Balentine #3



Baby Balentine #3 from Adam and Amy Balentine on Vimeo.

3 comments:

  1. beautiful news! So very excited for your sweet family!

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  2. Thanks for sharing your lives. So excited for you. Lynn

    ReplyDelete