BALENTINE MEMOIRS

I was recently with a group of mostly non-Christians friends, as I so often am.  By "non-Christian" I mean friends that haven't admitted to me, at least, in believing that Jesus Christ is the living son of God.  These friends may be privately following Christ and studying the Bible, but I suspect they are not.  Some are moralists. Some are Universalists with a mix of Spiritualism and yoga.  Some are just angry at a God they don't think exists.  I truly love them and I'm OK with their non-belief.  I pray for them often.  As I was spending time with these friends I became overwhelmed, in the moment, as I contemplated the love and acceptance that they display to me and my family. Thank you non-Christians, for your grace. Grace is the free and unmerited, undeserved love you give.  Grace is espoused from within.  Grace follows a choice to love, but grace is part of your fabric - woven into your DNA.  But where does grace come from? ...

2015 was a year of staggering change for me.  Exactly 12 months ago today (Jan. 1, 2015), we gave goodbye kisses to Teddy after dropping him off at his grandparents house in Saint Charles.  We were going to spend a week in San Francisco and Sonoma.  It was to be a great time of rest, conversation and healing after a heartbreaking and strenuous year in 2014.   Amy and I had much to talk about with regards to my career during our trip to the Bay Area.  I sketched out a pros and cons list on the airplane to help measure the opportunities that were in front of me.  I could stay at the company I had been with for nine years.  This was company I loved and was loyal to since I was a 23-year old, know-nothing peon.  This was a company that had some incredibly supportive and graceful people during our journey with Simon.  This was a BIG company, with plenty of opportunities to grow, but little opportunity for me to have a large impact on its fu...

Merry Christmas from our family to yours! Sharing our 2015 Christmas card!

We’ve been on a writing hiatus…for a great reason. On Thursday, September 24, 2015 at 1:35am, we welcomed our FOURTH (!) little boy to the world.  Please meet, Peter Simon Balentine.   His birth was a cathedral moment for Adam and me.   Adam yelled out, “it’s a boy!” and I cried, “I wanted a boy so bad!"  How’s that for honesty? "We get to keep him?" I kept thinking as he let out his first beautiful cries on my chest.  Death wasn’t at our doorstep.  Life was fresh and new.   Mommy and Peter!   Minutes after birth.  A bunting hangs behind Adam and Peter of Teddy, Simon and Thomas' births.  Teddy meets Peter. We took seven weeks away from the blog to relish and even mourn during  the first week of Peter’s life, enjoy quiet time and quite honestly, rest.  We are tired.  When we had time to write, we chose sleep (or work in Adam’s case) and time to simply s...

The entire month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  However, October 15 is a special day where bereaved mothers across the world light a candle at 7pm to honor their baby or babies in heaven.  This ceremony is called the Wave of Light .     The pregnancy and infant loss support group for bereaved mothers that I host in our home, You Made Me Mom , is gathering on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, Thursday, October 15 at 7pm.  The evening will also include a guest speaker.   Christine Henderson will be presenting her story called,  Turning Grief Inside Out , after the candle lighting ceremony. Christine is a mother to six living children and five children in heaven.  She has experienced three miscarriages and two stillbirths.  To read more about Christine, feel free to check out her website .  We will close the evening with each mother having the opportunity to share her present grief walk. ...

"Is this your second?"  I hear that question from strangers often.  Each time, I think to myself…how much time do I want to invest explaining this?  Often times I tell our story quickly answering this is our fourth. I always receive a surprised look.  When they ask gender and ages of my other children, I go ahead and share with them the quick full story.  People respond graciously and I have received many hugs from random checkers, waiters, and store associates.  I tell strangers our story for three reasons – One, because they keep asking questions!  Two, because I have faith that our story might help spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and open discussion so it doesn’t seem like such a taboo topic.  In addition, I like to talk about Simon and Thomas – even though it might make me tear up.  And three, because I get to share our hope that we will see our sons again, fully restored, in Heaven. This week ...

I feel the cool forehead of my son on my lips tonight.  He's gone, but I remember the temperature of the skin above his brow.  He would wrinkle his forehead as if to acknowledge that he recognized my kiss. We are at 36 + 4 days with our fourth child (on the way).  I suppose Amy and I both are feeling nostalgic longings for Simon right now.  To see him, to hold him.  Valiant and flawed warrior.  Brave until the end. "Lone Survivor" is on HBO in the hotel room where I sit alone tonight and the dialogue between two of the wounded soldiers I just heard resonates hard with me.  I'll paraphrase it and revise it as if it is a message from Simon.  "If I die, tell mom I love her.  Tell her I died for my brothers.  Tell her I died with a full heart." There is no progress on this journey, only fading memories.  Yet the fuzzy memories stay laced with enough pain to last a lifetime. God has been so faithful and so protective of us. ...