Hearing and Seeing Him

Since Simon’s memorial, God has been asking me to be silent and listen to Him.  Not be idle, but do all that I can to hear Him.  I’m trying to hear Him by spending time in The Word. 

I find myself wanting the pain to be passed and naïvely dreaming of when the hurt might “go away.”  But in that same thought, I don’t want to speed through the grief.  I know He’s refining and restoring me through the valley (1 Peter 1:6-9). 

So I continue to wait and listen and wait and listen (Isa 30:18).  One thing that has been placed on my heart is to be in continuous thanksgiving.  I am typically in and out of prayer with the Lord throughout the day, more of a dialog.  It’s been this way for me for some time, however, I usually didn’t thank God for every little thing.  So I am choosing to acknowledge and give thanks to for everything – after all, every blessing flows from him.  So I have been focusing on thanking him for the little and the big things.  I’ve thanked him recently for a warm shower, soft sheets, photos around the house of our family, clean clothes, the privilege of being a stay at home mommy, Adam’s job, air conditioning, sweet memories, quiet time during Teddy’s naps, the fact that Teddy naps (!), the breeze which reminds me of our one stroller walk with Simon, my friendships, my family, Teddy’s smile, Adam’s love, every translation of the Bible - truly the list could go on-and-on as I am seriously trying to thank and thank and thank.  Last week was an extraordinarily hard week for me.  I was feeling so low – constantly thinking of what should’ve been.  Thinking of how old Simon should be, how we should have swings and soft baby toys throughout the house, how Teddy should be thriving in his big brother role (:-)), how I should hear and feel him, how I should be sleep deprived - not because of the tears on my pillow throughout some nights but because I have a sweet Simon keeping me up, how there should be two car seats in the back seat, how the stroller should have the second attachment seat, how the crib in the basement shouldn’t be leaning against the wall, how I should be rocking Simon to sleep and praying over him and his future wife and family.  This list too could go on-and-on.  All of these thoughts can swirl around in my head and leave me feeling utterly exhausted.  Exhausted, but not empty.  I am asking the Holy Spirit to fill me up.  Continuously reminding myself that my joy comes from the one true sustainer, Christ.  I am asking God to refocus my eyes on Him daily while showing me ways to serve Him.  I am choosing to trust and surrender to God – even in this darker season of life.  By faith, I eagerly await through the spirit the righteousness for which I have hope (Gal 5:5). 

My plan right now is to continue to give thanks through praise to Christ (Ps 92:1).  I am searching and watching for ways to be thankful.  I have found this is the only way to get through some days and this thankful heart gives me strength. 

Yesterday, my heart could’ve quickly gone down the self-pity road, but I asked God to show the moment to me through his lenses.  Teddy and Adam were in the other room and Teddy was asking for the “Bee Song.”  I thought he might be talking about the bringing home my baby bumble bee song but it turned out he was talking about Simon’s song.  To Teddy, there are a few songs that represent Simon.  The one he was referring to was David Nevue’s version of "O Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing."  Adam played it for Teddy and he started saying, “Bee! Bee!”  As Teddy and the song continued to play, I stood in the kitchen preparing our taco dinner while tears started to well up.  My mind first went to longing for life to be different.  I know our Lord understands my wishing that Simon was in the other room with my two other guys.  He too wishes for things to be different. After my brief longing of life to be different, the Holy Spirit came quickly to me showing me the beauty and thanking Him for Teddy’s sweet memory of his baby brother.  It was a very sweet moment, which reoccurs each time a “Simon song” comes on.  I tried to capture Teddy hearing this song on video (below).  

My current prayer:  Lord, I have seen your fruit from Simon’s life and I will forever praise you for all you have done.  I do not understand what you are doing now, but I know later I might understand (John 13:7).  Thank you for your Living Word which is flowing through me.  You fully sustain me daily.  Thank you for showing me the way up this mountain and reminding me every morning that you always keep your promises.  I pray not for an easier trek but for a stronger body and mind as I hike this peak. ~Amen. 

I am closing with Psalm 40 which is continues to set me back on course every time I veer off.  Each day the Lord pulls me out of the slimy pit of self pity and I am thankful for the firm foundation and fresh song.  I am thankful my blessings are too large to fully list.

Psalm 40 NIV

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

⁴ Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.
⁵ Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
    but my ears you have opened—
    burnt offerings and sin offering you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll
⁸ I desire to do your will, my God;
    your law is within my heart.”

⁹ I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
    I do not seal my lips, Lord,
    as you know.
¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
    I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
    from the great assembly.

¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, Lord;
    come quickly, Lord, to help me.

¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
    be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
    be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
    be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The Lord is great!”

¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    you are my God, do not delay

In Christ,
Amy


Teddy responds to Simon’s song even when he’s getting screen time :-).

 
Teddy hearing one of Simon's songs! from Adam and Amy Balentine on Vimeo.