BALENTINE MEMOIRS

I wrote down these thoughts on January 11, 2017, the day after I learned that getting Chiari decompression surgery was my best (and likely only) option if I wanted to fight this pain that bookends my days.   -- Every second is precious. I'm alone. Have I always been alone? At least in my questions of pain, of suffering, of the broken situations that consistently reveal their ugly mugs I am. I'm only alone so far as I keep this to myself.  If I don't invite people in, I'll be stuck navigating this wilderness with no help and no compass. Amy is with me every step of the journey. I'm sitting at the Blue Line, a glorious hole in the wall hockey-themed bar as I wait for Amy in the River Market in KC wondering if I could stomach the pain for now or for an extended period of time. Can I buck up and be tough? Is it more brave to have my melon cracked open and sewn back together? What's the right move here?  Everyone in this place moves about me, clueless to my ...

There have to be thousands upon thousands of pain sufferers in the world.  By “pain” I’m more thinking of physical ailments, injuries and malformations that lead to a life invaded by acute and chronic hurt.  Emotional and mental pain is no less prevalent or important in my mind, but I currently find myself in the miserable club of the physically tormented – so I find authority to speak and comment freely as a card-carrying member. It is so hard to describe a pain that nobody can see, and likely, a pain that no one you know will ever feel.  You describe the pain to people because, sure, you want some sympathy.  But more than that you want them to understand how this has changed you.  If you gave a friend a tour of your house while you were renovating the kitchen, you would spend quite a bit of time explaining why you were doing dishes in the bathtub and why your microwave was next to your couch in the living room.  It is as if you are saying, “I’m not r...

Sharing our 2016 Christmas card with you.  May your New Year be fruitful. Love, The Balentines

Since June of this year, I’ve been experiencing a new kind of suffering.  There has been a pain in my neck, which feels like nerve pain, that I just can’t shake.  Despite pursuing several different avenues to identify, to treat and to manage this pain –it remains a part of me.  It persists like air in my lungs.  It feels like a knife in the back of my head. The pain comes as a result of the position of my body.  If I go from bending to standing, or laying to standing, pain stabs me in the back of the head.  Sometimes it only lasts for a few seconds, and sometimes it hangs around for minutes. This has been an incredible trial for me.  I’ve never had to deal with physical adversity quite like this.  I’ve had a couple of unrelated surgeries in the past, and dealt with getting banged-up in sports.  But this – this is different.  This isn’t “suck-it-up” or “walk-it-off” kind of pain.  This is pain that seizes you, and all you ca...

I don’t have many black friends.  Perhaps that it is just a snapshot, a microcosm, of the problem we have in America today.  We haven’t sought to trust, to understand, to build relationships, to break bread or to extend hospitality to one another.  Doing that requires going into some messy and awkward places.  “Doing life” with someone allows you to walk in their shoes and see things that might make you uncomfortable – things that might change your heart. Over the past few years of being in Kansas City, God has put me in places to start building relationships with a few African American people.  Doing this requires intentionality.  It requires me listen way more than I speak.  It requires me to understand the cultural differences and historical framework that make us feel like we are speaking different languages sometimes.  It requires grace and patience on both sides for us to get past the road blocks that come up when we converse.  ...

T H A N K  Y O U! Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness . Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way. Colossians 3:15-17 MSG Another CuddleCot campaign success!   Thank you to each stranger, friend and family member who donated.  Adam and I look forward to praying over this new cot's placement.  If you know of a bereavement team that could utilize this cot, please contact Amy . With a grateful heart. -The Balentines- Amy, Adam, Teddy, Simon, Thomas and Peter

A video of Simon on 5/18/16, just because. I am fasting. It actually started around early February when I started phasing things out of my diet.  I've said, "No," to essentially all junk food since then.  I wanted to prepare myself for a week of more intense fasting that would take place during the week of Simon's life outside his mother's womb.  This is the second year in a row that I've fasted during these sacred 7 days and 22 minute s.   I intend to break my fast at 10:17 PM, the exact time that Simon died in my arms two years ago. What is fasting? It might be easiest to start with what fasting is not - at least in a Biblical context.  Fasting is not a diet, or a weight loss plan.  Fasting is not a cleanse.  Fasting is not a religious ritual on some list of rules that I will use to satisfy my duty owed to a legalistic God.  I know I won’t be fully “purified” or “enlightened” after I fast. Fasting is depravity.  From d...