BALENTINE MEMOIRS

So what do I say now?  What do I write? The hope of a new baby in our lives has been crushed.  Yesterday, amidst signs that there were some irregularities happening with Amy's pregnancy, we set an ultrasound appointment.  The signs of trouble came on quickly after the 6-month anniversary of Simon's birth.  The baby likely went on to meet Simon about a week ago.   I write today on the 6-month anniversary of Simon's death. As soon as the grainy black-and-white image of the baby came on the screen, I knew.  Our baby's lifeless body was scrunched up and motionless - unlike Teddy and Simon who were always playfully moving each time we got a glimpse of them in the womb.  Amy cried out in agony from the doctor's table.  Pain was unleashed from the deep.  Teddy was with us in the ultrasound room, and he looked at me with a concerned but sweet and playful look.  His confused eye contact with me was something like I hadn't seen out of him ...

My first public letter to Simon. Dearest Simon, This evening marks six months since daddy and I met you face-to-face.  I can't believe it's been a half year since we met you - I think it feels so fresh for a few reasons.  One is because I will never forget the sound of your cry and the way the weight of your little body felt in my arms.  Another reason is because our good friends took video and pictures of your birth and I view those often.  Simon, so many people have watched your entrance into the world.  The moment was holy, a moment only God can create.  We all waited eagerly to hear your first cries.  After several minutes we heard your strong voice and it was magic.  I was so proud of you.  I think anyone who watched your birth has the image forever in their mind and heart.  You made a lasting impression sweet boy. If your big brother could write, he would want you to know that he brings your name up ofte...

I haven’t written in over two months.   I’ve wanted to write over the past two months, but my heart and thoughts have been so all over the place that I couldn’t land on one subject.    I would think about writing about one thing, and then within a few hours my previous feeling had vanished and I was feeling another way.  My current thoughts can be a bit scattered.   I am learning this is how grief works – at least for me.   This past month is always a really special month in our home.   October 10 th  marked our fifth anniversary.    I am overwhelmed by the strength of our marriage – thanks be to God for this.    I am thankful for Adam’s love and leadership and love seeing how our lives together are unfolding through God’s big plan.    God takes it all and makes it beautiful, even when the unthinkable happens.    October 15 th  was Teddy’s 2 nd  birthday.    Teddy fills our...

It’s Royals vs. Giants in the World Series!  I never would have thought this was possible.  In fact, I've told several people in the past who have caught me wearing my Giants hat in KC that, "It's OK.  I'll never really have to choose!"  This August, the Giants came to KC to take on the Royals and Amy and I actually wore Giants gear to the K, despite much debate with Amy over whether we should do so.  Doing this was more of a nostalgic move – paying homage to 6 years living in San Francisco, rooting for the Giants and attendance at multiple games at AT&T Park.  Even though I was in my black and orange during the game back in in August, I was rooting for the Royals.  It had to be a bit confusing for anyone paying attention that I would stand up and cheer for KC when they would get a hit.  “Does this guy understand how this game works?” One of the best games we ever attended at AT&T Park in SF was game 1 of the World Series in 2010...

I had this dream some time ago where I saw Jesus sleeping peacefully by himself in a boat floating near the shore in a still body of water (No, I don't remember what he looked like, but I'm pretty sure he had a beard!).  He was worn out, sorrowful, and in need of deep rest.  As he was laying in peace and solitude, I saw a crowd approaching over over the horizon.  The crowd looked desperate and destitute. They shouted for Jesus to come help them, to heal them and to teach them.  Jesus was startled from his rest and rose to answer the call to help the people.  But as this happened, I fell into a deep weep for him.  From somewhere in this dream I cried out, “Let him rest!  Please, he needs to rest!”  I longed for him to be able to get the rest that his body needed.  I begged the people to give him a break, and to, "Stop demanding so much from him!"  This may have been the end of the dream, or it may just be all my memory allows me to r...

When I work out at the YMCA on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, I typically listen to podcast sermons.  A few weeks ago, I was listening to a sermon on pride that was truly convicting.  Toward the end of the sermon, the preacher said something that made me feel as if a cold bucket of ice water had been dumped on my head.  He said, "If you have been listening to this sermon and have been thinking about someone else the whole time, and how that person needs to fix their issues with pride - guess what - you have a pride problem."  My mind was doing just that up until the moment he held a mirror in front of my face.  I was thinking, I should share this sermon with "him" or "her" so they can start to work on themselves.  I was envisioning people's faces when the pastor described what pride looked like, and I was thinking, "That poor person just doesn't get it.  They're so prideful they can't see past themselves!"  When in fac...

Tonight marks three months since we’ve held Simon – but more importantly, it marks three months since Simon was loving placed in our Creator’s arms.   I feel like today is the perfect day to share Simon’s celebration of life service which took place on June 14, 2014 at our church home, Christ Community Brookside Campus.   We are so thankful for Ben Hollon, videographer, who donated his time and talents to recording the celebration.   Thank you for capturing this moment in our lives.   We are humbled by the outpouring of love through our friend, Jose, pastor Bill, music and worship pastor John, and all of the unbelievably talented musicians and singers without whom the service wouldn’t be the same.   Thank you to all of the volunteers who made the time after the service truly a celebration with cake, cookies and beverages.   We thank all of you who were with us in person (loved seeing everyone in blue!) and in spirit – you helped us stand tall this day. ...